How to Make Others Feel Seen, Heard, and Loved
As humans, it’s our deepest desire to be seen, heard, known, loved, and cared for. It’s also the thing that we deeply fear.
This fear forces us to bury those desires deep down because they feel intangible. Instead, we downplay ourselves and place value in other avenues, and other people, but rarely ourselves. We constantly replay the mantra in our mind, “I’m never enough and always too much.” It’s time to change that. For you to always feel enough and never too much. For you to make sure that the people you value in your life also feel seen, heard, known, loved and cared for.
Lately, this is all I think about. It consumes my heart, my mind, my soul. I think it’s easy to assume that it’s not what we do that leaves the biggest impact but it’s truly how we make people feel. That’s the shit that matters. But what does this actually mean?
Being seen isn’t just someone looking at you. Being heard isn’t just someone listening. Being known isn’t them just knowing a minor detail about you. Being loved isn’t just saying “I love you,” and caring for someone isn’t just hugging them when they need it (although it helps). I think this is a timeline of connections and relationships. When we allow ourselves to feel these things for ourselves first and others second, this type of connection is a true game-changer. When we allow ourselves this opportunity it also tells our clients, our contractors, and our communities that they can allow themselves to feel this way too.
We need to be able to put language to our wants, needs, desires, and feelings. If we don’t know, no one else can know. The act of seeing, hearing, knowing, loving, and caring for ourselves and others is a practice, one that isn’t always graceful or easy.
Being Seen
Being seen is feeling noticed and having an undeniable presence with yourself or with someone else. You know when you walk into a room and you can swear that someone looks at you, but you then realize they simply looked past you at someone else? Ugh, this is the worst. This is the opposite of feeling seen and makes us feel a little invisible.
Feeling seen can be anything from someone giving you direct eye contact to truly looking at you—not through you or past you. In order for me to feel seen, I need to feel that the person I am with is showing up in a way that doesn’t dismiss me. That they see me by giving me direct eye contact during conversation, maybe acknowledging something I’m wearing, telling me they’re proud of something I did, or simply giving me more than a decent hug.
Being Heard
Being heard is having your words understood and challenged without another person trying or wanting to change what you’re saying. It’s knowing that what you have to say matters and is being noted. We’ve all been in a conversation where you sit there and think, “Did you listen to a word I just said?” Being heard is someone actively listening and not just waiting for the slightest pause to jump in and share their version.
With that being said, being heard can look like having a conversation where someone actively listens to everything you have to say without interpreting[HB2]. This happens to be one of my biggest pet peeves. After listening, they ask follow-up questions that may challenge your thinking but without pushing you to think any other way at that moment.
If I want to be heard, I surround myself with people who will expand my thinking and people who won’t give me constant unsolicited advice. I surround myself with people who engage in conversation in a healthy and non-judgmental way.
Being Known
Feeling known by someone, in my opinion, requires us to feel like we’re standing naked in front of someone. I know; this sounds terrifying. I don’t mean they’re seeing your body, but rather that they’re seeing everything that has made you who you are, and they don’t run away. In fact, they move closer.
This type of nakedness shows the skeletons in your closet and the baggage you carry. Being this known is having someone be there with you in vulnerability and them loving and liking you anyway. In fact, loving and liking you even more. It’s someone seeing a scar and not repeatedly asking where it came from but remembering because you’ve already told them.
If someone is making me feel known, they’re acknowledging emotions I may feel when I’m triggered by an experience. Their awareness is proof that they’re remembering something special I shared with them. Feeling known is another person constantly saying, “I want to know even just a little bit more because everything I learn about you becomes important to me.”
Being Loved
Being loved is all about taking the risk of sharing yourself without the fear—or despite the fear—of being rejected. Being loved outweighs the rest. When you feel loved, it’s ultimately about feeling safe and being respected and supported. This may look different for each person, and feeling safe doesn’t necessarily mean physically.
I hope that being loved by someone means you feel safe emotionally with them. That you feel safe mentally and intellectually. That being respected isn’t just by someone staying faithful to you but being aware of your boundaries, your limits, and your independence.
Last, being supported doesn’t mean financially. It means someone being your teammate. Hyping you up when you need it, giving you supportive feedback when you need it, holding you up when you need it. This, to me, is love.
Being Cared For
Lastly, what does it take for someone to feel truly cared for? It’s a state of true acknowledgment outside of a person. The actions of someone who is willing to protect the shit out of you. This person that cares for you is constantly acting from a place of love and empathy.
To me, this type of care is protecting someone for the things you “know” about them. It’s no longer just acknowledging that it exists but actually taking action to show your soul could have been triggered[HB3] . Chiming in, stepping up, and having someone’s back when they feel triggered. You do this as an act of love.
Love Yourself First, Others Second
My sweet one, the one that doesn't feel loved, that doesn't feel seen, that doesn't feel heard, known, or cared for: You get it. The heartbreak that comes with feeling this way. The smiles that aren’t genuine, the constant pit in your gut, the questions you ask about belonging. Lucky ones or not, we all get rocked. I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could physically give you a piece of my heart. I wish I could hold you, to hug the hate away. I wish I could tell you it’s okay. But it’s not … the fight you’re fighting is not okay. It’s not fair. But you fight anyway. I admire you for it. To continue despite everything. You continue to get back up after every punch. Every gut check. Every reality check.
I’m going to ask you to do something hard. For you to look in the mirror and see, hear, know, love, and care for yourself first. If we don’t know how to do this, it’s going to be really hard for us to know how someone else can do it for us. This is a battle for a lot of us. We go to war daily with the person that looks back at us in the mirror.
Many of us like to fill that void by finding it elsewhere. To get validation from someone else. Now, the type of love we feel from different people will be just that: different. However, it feels really freaking special when you can truly say I love me and I love me hard. Through the good times and the not-so-good, I love the person I am becoming. To look in the mirror and see a dark spot and not hate it. To have an opinion about something and know that you’re allowed to have one. To know that this experience you went through is not something to hide. To respect, support, and make yourself feel safe in your body and in your mind. And of course to care for yourself by standing up for who you are because you’re worth that.
As you figure out how exactly your soul needs to feel these things I’ll sit for you, I’ll listen to you, I’ll open my heart for you, and I’ve got your back.
Written by Guest blogger, Alexa Glazer
